the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
