You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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