Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
