When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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