We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
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