I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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