I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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