true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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