i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
