Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
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