Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
