We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
