why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
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