11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
