I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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