Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Randomize
