I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
