How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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