There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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