I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Randomize
