I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
