i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Randomize
