Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I wear drunk well.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
