Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
