I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
