I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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