well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Randomize
