He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
