I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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