Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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