we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
