I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
