y did u give ur computer a hand job?
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
