3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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