used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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