Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Sober January is a disaster.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Randomize
