Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
