so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
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