the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
