All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
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