wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
