oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
