Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
