Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Randomize
