According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
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