Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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