I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Randomize
