Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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