i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
