he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
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