She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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