I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
