My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
