Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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