PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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