Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
We talked him into tasing himself.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
