Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
