My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
