I just saw a hot homeless man
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
