seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
