I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
