Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
