You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
