I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
