You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
